1 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,359 I'm gonna be late 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,239 Bloody school gate 3 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,073 Another week's graft 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,959 - - RAY: Are you having a laugh? 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,993 Is this the life I chose? 6 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,311 is when the whistle blows 7 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,917 When the whistle blows 8 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,071 - Oh, I don't like the sound of that. - What's up with you? 9 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,551 There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team. 10 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:40,751 They were practising on Amazon, and it's full of piranha fish, and they capsized. 11 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,879 Says in paper they were in danger of having their cocks eaten. 12 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,230 Why would piranhas go for the cocks first? 13 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,960 It doesn't mean what you think it... 14 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,273 The cox is the little fella who sits at back of boat shouting "stroke". 15 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,352 If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks. 16 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,398 It doesn't mean their... Oh, you don't get it, do you? 17 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,118 - I don't get it. - I know you don't get it. 18 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,759 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 19 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:10,195 RAY: Why, what would you go for first if you were a piranha? 20 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,556 I'd probably just have a bag of crisps. 21 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,717 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 22 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,395 He'd definitely be interested in a film, yeah. Who else is in it? 23 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,032 Fella who played who? 24 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,952 Harry Potter? 25 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,475 I've never heard of him. What? 26 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:30,190 Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his 40s, do you? 27 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,159 That's... Oh, they've got someone for him? Okay. 28 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,592 And how much would... How much would you be paying him? 29 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:38,875 (EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY) 30 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,759 You got more money than sense, mate. 31 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,399 No, I'm his agent, yeah. 32 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:47,749 Do you know, I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon. 33 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,633 What did you say? 34 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,996 Oh, I said, "All right, as long as you're paying." 35 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,714 - What did he say? - Well, he was a bit shocked, to be honest. 36 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,189 - Not surprised. - Yeah, not as shocked as when I told him 37 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,557 I'd only do it if we could take lots of photos to show me mum. 38 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,233 Oh, I've finished. 39 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,070 Knockerty, knock, knock. Hello. 40 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,359 All right? Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very, very funny. 41 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,239 - Yeah. What was your favourite bit? - Um... 42 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,596 - You didn't watch it, did you? -It's not my cup of tea, to be honest. 43 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,796 If I'm being truthful. It's not my thing, I can't get with it. 44 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,109 I'd like to talk some business. 45 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,874 How do you fancy three days with Billie Piper? 46 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,078 - Three days with Billie Piper? - Yeah, good money, you'd be in and out. 47 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,154 - What are you talking about? - Billie Piper, little magical kid with glasses. 48 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,834 - Do you mean Harry Potter? - Yes. 49 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,158 - Who did I say? - Billie Piper. 50 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,992 - I've heard of him. Who's he? - She. 51 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,436 She's an actress. She's in Doctor Who. She was a pop... 52 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,397 - Do you watch television? - Do I watch television? 53 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,632 I have just bought myself a brand-new 52 inch Plasma TV set. 54 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,037 52? That's way too big for your flat. 55 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,714 It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright. 56 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,110 I was wiring it up and David Dickinson came on 57 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,636 and his tan nearly took me eyeballs out. I'm all over the place. I've got headaches. 58 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,270 I've got it in the box now. I'm just watching a little portable. 59 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,556 You don't wanna buy a TV, do you? 60 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,870 - How much did you pay for it? - Three and half grand. 61 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,191 - What would you sell it to me for? - Three and half grand, face value. 62 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,191 Obviously not, I'd just buy a new... 63 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,113 No, you've got to give me a discount. It's secondhand. 1,500 quid. 64 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,998 That's an insult. I would rather smash it up 65 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,356 than give it to you for 1,500 quid. That is pathetic. 66 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,831 - All right, this project, go on. - Well, yeah, big British movie. 67 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,878 Lots of stars. Dame Diana Rigg's in it. All sorts of people. 68 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,951 I know you want to get into movies, so this could be a good in. 69 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,475 Plus, I checked with them straightaway, I said, "Will he still get paid 70 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,678 "even if his performance is crap?" They said yes. So it's a win-win for us. 71 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:44,795 You didn't ask them that? 72 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,837 Well, because obviously I was worried that if you got the gig 73 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,877 and then they saw the sitcom, they might fire you. 74 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,793 - But they've already seen the show, so... - Oh, they've seen the show? 75 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,838 Because they're in the business and they watch television. They're... Yeah. 76 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,912 - I wonder if they wanna buy a TV. - Don't ask them if they wanna buy a telly. 77 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,752 Right, call them and say yes, I'm interested. 78 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,400 And get Maggie some extra work on it, I don't want to spend three days 79 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,711 with loads of actors I don't know. Nightmare. Call them now. 80 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,394 - Well, I'll call them later. - No, no, call them now. 81 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,391 - Well, I'll call them outside. - Call them in here. 82 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,710 No, you know, I don't want to call them in front of you, and... 83 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,794 - Don't ask them if they want to buy a telly. - Oh, I may as well do it in here, then. 84 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,555 Ridiculous. 85 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,319 So what scene are we starting with? 86 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,630 We're starting with 141. I'll just introduce you to... 87 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:35,949 Andy, this is Warwick. 88 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,270 - Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi. Good to meet you. 89 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,589 This is my fiancée, Claire. 90 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,114 - Hi. - Hi. 91 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,798 - So, do you know your lines? - Well, I've only got two, but... 92 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,157 - Are you sure all this food's definitely free? - Yes. This is my agent. 93 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,753 - Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. - Hi. 94 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,160 This is Warwick. 95 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,038 - Where? - There. 96 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,554 Oh! Midget. Hello. 97 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,278 - Babe, I'm gonna get some coffees. - All right. Okay. Thanks. 98 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,271 - What was your name, sorry? -It's Warwick. 99 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,431 Warwick. Funny little name as well to match. 100 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,874 (CLEARS THROAT) 101 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,190 Sorry, Andy, can I just show you where you're gonna be standing? 102 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,429 - Yes. - It won't take a second. 103 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,397 Don't... Yeah. 104 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,719 - Are those your own clothes? - Uh... 105 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,389 - No. - No? 106 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,871 Where do you get your normal clothes from? I mean, what are they? 107 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,315 Are they children's clothes, or are they toy clothes? How does it work? 108 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,358 Like your shoes, for instance. Would they be like a little toy bear's booties? 109 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,954 You sometimes see a toy monkey or something that has little trainers on, 110 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,678 - would you have a pair of them for yourself? - No. 111 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,239 - No? - There are specialist shops, 112 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,231 - and I do a lot of internet shopping. - Internet. 113 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,709 That makes sense. That's clever, yeah. 114 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,838 Could I fit in your house? Would that... How would it work? 115 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,639 - What have you been talking about? - Talking about the internet and stuff. 116 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,518 - Right. - Yeah, this would be a laugh. 117 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,398 Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house, 118 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,312 and as he goes up to bed, I put my face up against the window, 119 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,869 like Godzilla, freaking him out or whatever, 120 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,110 or reaching in through the window like King Kong trying to... 121 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,510 - What are you doing? - I'm just having a chat with him. 122 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,318 - Why are you still here? - I'm having a... 123 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,233 - We've got to learn our lines. - All right. 124 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,072 - See you later. - Bye. 125 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,590 (SIGHS) 126 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,398 - Agent? - Idiot. 127 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,917 (WARWICK SOBBING) 128 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,710 Wood-elf, why do you cry? 129 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:33,196 Blow as I might, my flute makes no sound. 130 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,119 Without my music, the birds cannot sing their morning song. 131 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,394 May I take a look? 132 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,518 Certainly, but I don't know what a boy can do. 133 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,676 Especially one dressed so strangely. 134 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:58,993 Try it now. 135 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,600 (PLAYING MELODIOUS TUNE) 136 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,432 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 137 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,473 Oh, sweet music is born again! 138 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:16,673 But I am curious. How did you know you'd need such an implement? 139 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,317 Always be prepared. 140 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,794 (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 141 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,833 Okay, cut there. Thank you. Check the gate. 142 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,514 Can I get a drink of water, please? 143 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,311 - You married? - Yes. 144 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,474 That don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing. 145 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,918 - This chair free? - Yeah. 146 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,391 - How you doing? - Okay. 147 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,189 Oh, God, have I still got these on? I don't need these. 148 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,918 They're just for the character. 149 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,709 Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I never read. 150 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,874 Right. 151 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:17,835 Oh! 152 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,231 - Hey? - What? 153 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,475 - Fags. - Yeah. 154 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,435 - You smoke, do you? - Me? Oh, yeah, just a little bit, yeah. 155 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,119 - You? - No. 156 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,558 No, no, no, good girl, good girl, very wise. I've gotta cut down, really. 157 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,439 - I've done it with a girl. - What? 158 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,756 I've done it with a girl. Intercourse-wise. 159 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,791 - So if you're looking for... - WOMAN: Daniel? 160 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,190 Here's my mum. Say they're your fags. 161 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,437 - What you doing? - Nothing. 162 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,796 - She's trying to give me fags. - What? No, I'm not! 163 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,996 You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother. 164 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,037 Yeah, and she was trying to have it off with me. 165 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,715 Oh, well, of course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on, you. 166 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,597 - Makes me sick. - What? 167 00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:30,072 These showbiz dwarves who use their powers to get women out of their league. 168 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,071 - Who, Warwick? - No, Paul Daniels. 169 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,071 Here, if she's into short men, you could be in with a chance. 170 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,480 - I'm not short. - Yeah, you are. 171 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,710 No, I'm not. No, no, 5' 8", average height. 172 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,199 Well, average in your day. 173 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,669 - My day? Born in the '60s. - Early '60s. 174 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,319 - Quite early. - 1960? 175 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,357 - No. -1961? 176 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,396 - That'll be why you didn't grow. - I did grow. 177 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,438 With all the powdered egg and the rationing and everything. 178 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,796 - That was the war. - Yeah, well, whatever. 179 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,793 Do you know what? You've got small man complex. 180 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:02,995 What's that? 181 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:07,233 You're bad-tempered, grumpy, you want power and people to respect you. 182 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:11,029 Oh, like that little famous person. What's his name? 183 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,918 - Begins with an "N". - Napoleon. 184 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,877 Noel Edmonds. 185 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,474 I'm not short. I'm average height and that's... 186 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,676 I can see how it is upsetting for you 'cause there's him... 187 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:20,830 It's not upsetting. 188 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,991 - He's even smaller than you are... - 'Cause I'm not small. 189 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,640 He is getting all these attractive and beautiful women and... 190 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,313 - We all are. - But you're getting nothing. 191 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,277 Well, no way. I'm getting them. 192 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,874 Well, there was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett. 193 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,917 - And we know why you went for her. - Why? 194 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,039 - Because she could look you in the eye. - It's not a competition. 195 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,033 It's not like she saw us both and went, "Oh, I'll have the short one." 196 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,440 - Is that you or him? - Him! 197 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,999 See? There's the temper. 198 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,391 I'm saying, if she'd met us both at the same time, 199 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,994 we don't know who she'd have chosen. 200 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:55,073 - Well, I think I know who she'd have chosen. - Who? 201 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,039 Huh? No, I'm not gonna say because it'd sound arrogant. 202 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,636 I don't wanna... But if she was single and she met us both... 203 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,119 - Yeah. - Yeah. 204 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,111 - Tell me. - Oh, for... Just think. 205 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,431 - I'm thinking. - Your own thoughts. Stay out of mine. 206 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,030 - Really stodgy, innit? - Honestly, I'm sick of this. 207 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,839 Can we go somewhere nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant. 208 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,149 - Yeah? - Yeah. 209 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,833 All right, then. 210 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,193 - Hey, gang, what we doing? - Just been eating. 211 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,432 Yeah, yeah, sweet. Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier. 212 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,672 - The offer still stands. - What offer? 213 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,039 You know. 214 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,237 I'm gonna go and get a drink. Does anyone want anything? 215 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,436 - I'll have a cup of tea. - Get me a bourbon, would you, babe? 216 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,113 I think it's mostly just teas and coffees and things. 217 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,520 Then get me a cup of joe, would you? 218 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,114 And make it strong. I don't like the weak shit. Oh! 219 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:59,393 Look, when she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone, will you? 220 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,993 What you got planned? 221 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,955 - You... You've unravelled it? - Ready for action. 222 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,432 Let's just hope it's big enough. 223 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,119 Um, can I have my johnny back? 224 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,517 "May" I have my johnny back? 225 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,194 - May I have my johnny back? -"Please." 226 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,793 Yeah. 227 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,951 It's not called a johnny, though, is it? 228 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,475 - Durex? - No, that's a brand name. 229 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:38,119 "May I have back my prophylactic or sheath?" 230 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,194 - May I have my prophylac... -"Tic". 231 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,271 Tic. Prophylactic. 232 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,512 - Can I have it, please? - Yes. 233 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,399 Excuse me. Haven't you forgotten something? 234 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,236 Oh, thank you, Dame Diana. 235 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,280 - Still gonna use it, yeah? - Yeah, that'll be fine. 236 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,794 Lucky girl. 237 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,514 - Hiya. - Hi. 238 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,031 - You're getting married to... - Yeah, yeah. 239 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,877 That's really nice of you. 240 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,675 - It's really nice of me? - Yeah. 241 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,719 Well, me and my friend Andy, Andy Millman, were talking, 242 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:44,279 and he was surprised that you'd chosen someone like Warwick over... 243 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:49,474 Well, someone like him, who's... Do you only like small people? 244 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,637 I don't like him because he's small. I like him 'cause he has a nice personality. 245 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:54,915 Oh, well, that's good then, 246 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,994 because Andy was just saying that if you didn't mind someone who's a little bit taller, 247 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,798 then he's up for it. 248 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:06,679 Sorry, so your friend is so arrogant, he thinks he just has to give the word 249 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:10,879 and I would immediately leave my fiancé for him because he's taller? 250 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,599 Do you understand how offensive that is? 251 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,833 - Yeah, it's a bit out of order, isn't it? - It is out of order. 252 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,594 He shouldn't really have said that, should he? 253 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,717 No, he shouldn't have said that. 254 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,230 BOY: Yes! 255 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,119 - This is all right, innit? - Share the wealth. 256 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,713 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 257 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,279 Yes! 258 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,716 - That kid's doing my head in, though. -It's a lovely place though, eh? 259 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,632 - Bit depressing, though. - Why? 260 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,509 Well, here I am with you, in a nice place, instead of a proper man. 261 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,598 - None taken. - No, I mean like on a date. 262 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,116 The only person with money that finds me attractive is a teenage boy. 263 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,033 Could be worse. He's a film star, he's got his own condom. 264 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,474 - What? - Nothing. 265 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,675 - Excuse me. - Hi. 266 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,957 Hi, I know this isn't really... Could I please get your autograph? 267 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,394 - Yeah. Sure. - Thanks. 268 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,391 - Who's it to? - To Emma. 269 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,993 - No worries. - BOY: Yes! 270 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,072 You can do me a favour, actually. Can you tell that woman to shut her kid up? 271 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,037 It's doing my head in. 272 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,799 - Cheers. - Thanks. 273 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,195 I'll never get used to that. 274 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,918 Why does someone want your name on a piece of paper? 275 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,832 I know, a wee bit weird. 276 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,794 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 277 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,315 Oh, she's told them it's you. 278 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,676 (WHISPERING) She's coming over. 279 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,835 Excuse me, I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant? 280 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,558 - If he's like that, yes. - Andy... 281 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,553 - What do you mean, "like that"? - Well, why should we be burdened? 282 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,273 - Andy, don't... - Sorry, 283 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,352 you think that because you're on TV, you can order the rest of the world around? 284 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,035 It's nothing to do with that. But, you know, if he's gonna make that sort of noise... 285 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,396 - It's a restaurant, for God's sake. - That's not my fault, is it? 286 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,074 Well, it is your fault. You decided to have him. 287 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,436 - Of course I decided to have him. - Andy... 288 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,477 You'll be pleased to know we are about to leave anyway. 289 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,200 So I hope you have a wonderful evening, 290 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,635 and that you realise you're a horrible little man. 291 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,711 Ooh. No, I didn't realise it. 292 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,558 - I didn't realise... - I was trying to tell you. 293 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,270 - Oh, why didn't you say something? - I was trying to tell you that... 294 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,593 (GROANS) 295 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,430 Hello, Andy, how's it going, mate? Paul, mate. 296 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,352 I was just passing, want to clear up all this nonsense 297 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,113 about you having a go at Down's syndrome people. 298 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,838 - About what? - We've had this woman come to us, 299 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,070 saying that you were having a go at her kid who's Down's and that. 300 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,275 - Are you a journalist? - Huh? 301 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,317 - Are you a journalist? -Sort of, yeah, just freelance. 302 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,755 Just trying to turn this round, get the truth out there for you. 303 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,990 So what happened? The Down's syndrome's making a racket, 304 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,434 you tell him to shut up, his mum's up in arms. 305 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,238 I didn't tell anyone to shut up. 306 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,914 It's political correctness gone mad. You can't say what you think any more. 307 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,116 - Well, no... - Is that yes? Yeah... 308 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,793 I didn't know he was Down's syndrome. 309 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,154 You're in a restaurant with your girlfriend... 310 00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,992 - She's not my girlfriend. - She's a girl who's your friend. 311 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,673 - Yeah. - I'll put girlfriend for the sake of ease. 312 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,751 - She's not my girlfriend. - For sake of shorthand. 313 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,239 She's not my girlfriend. 314 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,197 You're in there, you heard a noise and it was driving you mad? 315 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,793 You can't say "mad" nowadays, can you? 316 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,793 - He was making a noise and I got a little... - Mad? You got mad? 317 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,917 - The mad kid was driving you mad? - I wouldn't say that. 318 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,798 Can't say he's mad nowadays, can you? Or mental? 319 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,029 I wouldn't say he was... 320 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,952 Can you make it clear I didn't know he was Down's syndrome? 321 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,429 - I will, I will. - Write that down. 322 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,716 - Are you actually writing anything? - Yeah, yeah. 323 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,110 So, you complained, the mum came over, she went nuts? 324 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,998 - She was agitated... - So she went mad? 325 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,878 So you could say she was going madder than her son? 326 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,837 - I wouldn't say that, no. - Would you say she was going mental? 327 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,354 - No, I wouldn't... - So you might say mental? 328 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,078 - No, I wouldn't... - Can't say anything nowadays, can you? 329 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,958 - I wouldn't... - If you wanna say "mental", you can't. 330 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,079 - I've got to go. See you later. - Cheers, mate. Cheers, got everything I need. 331 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,357 "In a shocking outburst that will stun comedy fans everywhere, 332 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,432 "so-called TV funny man Andy Millman lost his temper 333 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,309 "and blasted a Down's syndrome child for supposedly ruining his dinner 334 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,152 "at a £100-a-head restaurant." 335 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,435 £100 a head? 336 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,158 Well, it was about 80 quid between us, but go on. 337 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,675 200 quid for a meal for two people! How the other half live. 338 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,034 Sorry, that makes me sick. 339 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,350 "Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend." 340 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,999 - Oh, pissed. - No, I'd had one drink. 341 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,718 - Did you glug it, though? - Did I what? 342 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,872 -It says here you glugged it. - I don't know what glugging is. 343 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,314 (GLUGGING) 344 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,755 Never glug. Always sip a lovely wine. Never glug it. 345 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,231 Can we stop saying "glug"? And I wasn't even drinking red wine. 346 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,197 Maggie was drinking red wine, I had a beer. 347 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,430 "Millman had been glugging red wine 348 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,036 "and let off a tirade of abuse at the innocent child and his stunned mother, 349 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,952 "who he claimed was as mad as her son." 350 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,838 - I didn't say that. - Well, someone did. 351 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,480 "Says mum Maureen Wilson, 'I used to be a fan of Andy's, 352 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,233 '"but after his torrent of hate, 353 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,109 "'if he thinks I'll ever watch his programme again, he's having a laugh."' 354 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,272 She's used the old catchphrase against you. Stitched you up there, it's witty. 355 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,759 Yeah, as if she ever said that. 356 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:45,118 As if she's making little jokes if she's that angry. She didn't say that. 357 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,276 Sorry, what can we do about this? Can we sue? 358 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,350 I don't think it's worth it. 359 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,670 This sort of thing is tomorrow's fish and chip paper, isn't it? 360 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,558 He's not having fish and chips any more. 200 quid for a meal! 361 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,677 - You'd have trouble doing that a chippie. - You would. 362 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,400 - I didn't spend 200 quid. -It says 230 in this one. 363 00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,709 - Lies. - No, it does. 364 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,996 No, I don't mean you're lying, I mean they're lying. 365 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,277 - They make stuff up, don't they? - I don't know about that. 366 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,591 You've never heard of a paper making stuff up? 367 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,990 Of course they do. They made stuff up about you two. 368 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,710 When they said you went into the EastEnders bosses to beg for his job back 369 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,155 and you were on your knees and then you burst into tears. 370 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,277 They made that up. 371 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,190 - Yep. - Didn't they? 372 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,429 Yeah. 373 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,793 Bullshit. 374 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,194 I guess only time will tell. Anything else? 375 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,999 Let's move to this story about the actor Andy Millman. 376 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,115 Who's he? 377 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,430 He's that guy, you know, he does the "Is he having a laugh?" 378 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,238 Yeah, I'm with you. Go on. 379 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,676 Well, he's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down's syndrome boy. 380 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,879 Both mother and son are completely devastated as it was an unprovoked attack. 381 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,474 - Did he hit him? - Well, it doesn't say. 382 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,394 If he did strike the boy, then he deserves to be banned from television. 383 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,232 (APPLAUSE) 384 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,633 So have you heard about this? 385 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,793 TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down's syndrome child. 386 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,998 Today we're asking, are celebrities out of control? 387 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,516 Is it one rule for us and another for the rich and famous? 388 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,349 Tony's on the line. What do you make of this Millman character? 389 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,717 What can you say, Nick? It's disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting. 390 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,916 I mean, excuse my French, but I think he's a shit. 391 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,992 No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right. 392 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,720 You know I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air, 393 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,632 but what else can you say about this piece of work? 394 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,395 Well, the thing is, I heard he also hit the mother. Punched her in the face. 395 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,313 He punched the mother? Oh, my God! 396 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,153 Tony, thank you, that gives a whole fresh new life to the story. 397 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,280 Coming up today, what made rising star Andy Millman 398 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,510 punch a defenceless Down's syndrome child 399 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,672 and his elderly, wheelchair-bound mother in the face? 400 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,831 Denise Robertson will be here to speculate. 401 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,638 Plus, Rwanda revisited. 402 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,633 Twelve years after the genocide, a harrowing report 403 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,155 from Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling. 404 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,839 Andy, quick, come here, come here, look, look! 405 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,313 Oh! What the... 406 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,472 Thank you so much for having me on. It's great to be able to clear the air. 407 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,597 I know there's been a lot of press speculation and so on. 408 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,830 - What's he doing? - Well, I spoke to Andy, 409 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,520 and he's explained everything to me, and the truth is this. 410 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,434 He is successful now, and he wanted to go to a classy restaurant, you know, 411 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,239 - as I'm sure you sometimes want to. - Sure. 412 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,834 As he said to me, you know, he's got some cash now, 413 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,197 he does not want to have to associate with riff-raff, and why should he? 414 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,396 So, he's gone in this posh restaurant with his friend 415 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,996 and there is a mother in there with her kid, and her kid's making a load of noise, 416 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,833 load of racket and it's just ruining it for everyone, you know. 417 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:33,118 And he's obviously furious, Andy, because he's paying through the nose for this grub. 418 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,352 I mean, it's silly money. And so he complains to the mother, 419 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,512 and they get into this ruck, and the thing is he didn't realise 420 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:44,151 that the kid was, you know, mentally deranged, or whatever, 421 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,833 because he could only see him from behind. 422 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,151 And I defy anyone to be able to identify, from behind, 423 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,754 you know, one of these mongoloids. 424 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,513 I'm sorry, a mongoloid? 425 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,353 No, I mean, if you had a bunch of people lined up over there, you know, 426 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,796 and one of them was a mongoloid and they had their backs to you, 427 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,076 I defy anyone to be able to tell which one it was. 428 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,309 I think I could. 429 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,277 Big words, Richard, but I don't think you could. 430 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,670 No, I'm sorry, I think I could. 431 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,673 Can we try and sort that out for tomorrow, you know, just get a few in? 432 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,717 I don't think we can do that, Richard. 433 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,518 Oh, come on, Judy, let's see. It'll be interesting. 434 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,034 It would be interesting. 435 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,758 Darren, thank you very much. 436 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,992 Thank you. Oh, but before I go, do you remember Barry off EastEnders? 437 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,309 - Yes. - Do you remember Barry? 438 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:27,156 Well, he's recorded a CD, did it in his garage. And it's only available on the internet. 439 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,992 It's Barry singing songs from the shows. 440 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,117 - He's got a lovely voice, Richard, really. - Yeah, yeah. 441 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,589 - The great thing about it is... - Good, well, that's sorted that out. 442 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,240 - At least I've got my best man on it. - I said to him, you know, 443 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,472 you say something's for charity, doesn't matter if it's a load of old tat, 444 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,710 it'll go straight to the top of the charts and then... 445 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,758 Yeah, can I have The Sun newspaper, please? 446 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,275 ANDY: Um... Okay, thanks, thanks, everyone. 447 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,352 Now, Dougie, I asked your mum 448 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,353 what's the one thing you'd most like in the whole world, 449 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,558 -and she said an X-Box. Is that right? - Yes. 450 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,916 Okay, so what have we got here, then? 451 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,389 Yes! Thank you. 452 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,033 Do you apologise then, Andy? 453 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,714 It wasn't a case of an apology. It was a misunderstanding, 454 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,713 - so no apology necessary. - The X-Box is apology enough. 455 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,791 It's not an apology, but, you know... 456 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,757 - And you're happy with that, then? - I am, thank you. 457 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,239 Very happy. 458 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,960 - And can I just say, as a further apology... - It's not an apology. 459 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,680 I've been talking to Maureen and we both agree it would be appropriate 460 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,515 for Andy to donate to a charity of Maureen's choosing his entire fee 461 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,592 for the film that he's currently working on, after agency deductions. 462 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,672 JOURNALIST: Well, that's very generous. It's a lovely surprise. 463 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,195 It is a surprise, big surprise. 464 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,829 - Hi. - Oh, hiya. 465 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,035 Hi. 466 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,479 Well, you know who I am, what's your name? 467 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,915 - Erm, my name's Claire. - Claire. 468 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,592 You've got a lovely necklace on, Claire. 469 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,830 Thank you, that's very nice, thanks. 470 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:17,230 Would you... Do you fancy dinner? Are you free tonight? 471 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,558 I'm not, actually, no. No, I'm engaged. 472 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,994 Well, um, tomorrow? 473 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:26,119 No, thank you, no, I won't. I won't go out for any meal with you. Yeah. 474 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:31,473 - Not even brunch? - No, not even brunch. 475 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:42,800 Hey, Maggie, listen. I'm gonna cut to the chase 476 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,633 because I respect you too much to bullshit you. 477 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,912 - It's over, yeah? - Sorry? 478 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,753 It's over between us. I don't want tears. That's the kind of guy I am. 479 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:52,989 You knew that going in. 480 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:57,074 I just think it's better we end things now before you fall in love with me any deeper. 481 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,357 You knew it wasn't forever, I said it was playtime, we had some laughs, 482 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,829 but I cannot be tied down to one chick. 483 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,430 Okay. 484 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:09,990 And I don't wanna waste this on you. Got a better bird now. 485 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,756 Well, thanks for your honesty. 486 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,719 (CLEARS THROAT) 487 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,395 - Something to remember me by. - You brushed your teeth today? 488 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,834 - Yes! - Yes, that was... 489 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,036 - WARWICK: Oi, Radcliffe. - What? 490 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,031 - What have you been up to? - Nothing. 491 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,396 Don't lie. You've been chatting up my fiancée. 492 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,393 - She's just told me. - Mum. 493 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,676 Don't call for your mum. You were chatting up my bird, 494 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,717 so act like a man and deal with the consequences. 495 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,076 - I was just... - I was just... Na-na-na-na! 496 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:42,275 You speccy little git. 497 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,397 - These aren't real glasses. - You're a speccy git. 498 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,710 - Leave him alone. He's just a boy. - I'm 17. 499 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,758 - And what's this gotta do with you? - He's doing nothing, is he? 500 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,592 Oh, don't stick your big nose in, love. 501 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,478 - All right, calm down. - Oh, you! 502 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,597 I'm glad you're here 'cause you had the same idea. 503 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:56,715 What? 504 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,997 I know you sent your little mate in here to do your dirty work for you, 505 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,479 trying to undermine me. 506 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,959 - What have you done? - Nothing. 507 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,270 - What have you done? - You think it's okay, do you? 508 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,794 Trying to steal my fiancée? 509 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,678 - I don't know what you... - You shit! 510 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,512 What are you doing? What are you doing? 511 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,479 - What do you think I've got this ring for? - I don't know, you're a hobbit? 512 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:14,675 You fat shit! 513 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,593 Look, I don't know what the rules are for fighting a midg... Try that one. 514 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,035 That usually works in cartoons. What are you doing? 515 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,714 Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. 516 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,679 Accidental knee. 517 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,036 - CLAIRE: Oi, what are you doing? - Lucky shot. 518 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,236 - What have you done? - He was going mad at me. The face... 519 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,675 Babe, babe, babe. Sweetheart, Warwick, Warwick. 520 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,239 - Is he not... - Sweetheart, Warwick. 521 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,960 - He's breathing. Oh, it's all right. - I can see he's breathing. 522 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,634 Warwick? You all right? Sweetheart, sweetheart. 523 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,472 Have you still got that cat suit from The Avengers? 524 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:45,755 CLAIRE: What happened? 525 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,069 Go away, Daniel. 526 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,551 ANDY: His eyes are open. Right, okay, let's move on now, come on. 527 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,837 Remember that charity that you promised to give half of your film fee to? 528 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,911 You mean the charity you promised to give half my film fee to? 529 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,115 That we agreed to give some money to. 530 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,589 Well, they're basically quite keen to get hold of the cash... 531 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,035 Well, I was kicked off the film. There is no fee. 532 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,111 But they're expecting the money. We've got to give it to them. 533 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,952 They don't know what the fee was for the film, do they? 534 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,919 They do. They do, 'cause I mentioned it to them. 535 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,711 I've got to give them wages I haven't even earned? 536 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,679 It's okay, we can pay the money we owe from the money we get for the sitcom. 537 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,512 - How much is it? - It's about half. 538 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,955 - Half an episode? - Well, half the whole series. 539 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,838 I've got to give them half my wages for the entire series? 540 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:22,672 You're the one who insulted the kid with... 541 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,478 I didn't insult him, I didn't know he was... 542 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,678 You must have upset him in some way 'cause you made it into the papers. 543 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,592 Talking of the papers, you've made quite a splash again, 544 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:33,275 but annoyingly, they didn't sort of go with the giving the kid an X-Box angle. 545 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:34,873 What did they go with? 546 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,520 "TV Bully Kicks Dwarf In Face." 547 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,672 Accurate. But as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. 548 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,593 -"Pick On Someone Your Own Size, Fatty." - Oh, maybe there is. 549 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,398 This is the worst one. 550 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,199 "Suicide Bombers Get Lotto Funding." Look at that. 551 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:52,229 - What's that got to do with me? - Well, nothing, it's just shocking, isn't it? 552 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,631 What they're up to. Oh, no, actually, what am I talking about? 553 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,839 This is the worst one in The Mail. "Gypsies Are Eating Our Pets." 554 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,357 (TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING) 555 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,309 Ooh. 556 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,759 (STAMMERING) Yeah, I know, it's number three. 557 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:36,310 Damn!